I know this feeling all to well. Though this time I’m not going to war, I’m waiting to deploy. The time is drawing nearer for me to go and I can’t help but think of how afraid I am. I’m not afraid to deploy because this isn’t my first time. I’m afraid I’ll be forgotten about. That time will go on without me. All these amazing things will happen for people I love and I’m not here to share the moments.

I can’t help but think about all the things I should have done differently. My 3rd time deploying as a single solider and it’s all my fault. I think of all the relationships I fucked up. I should have just proposed, or at least committed. All the times I allowed my ego and arrogance to be my downfall. The last two times my finances were left to my mother, and now she’s not here.

I think of how alone I feel. I’m almost haunted by memories of past deployments. Wishing I had someone to talk to, or the times I was basically told I wasn’t important enough to call back. Then there was the time, I watched for over a month straight as people called their children, wives, fiancé, or girlfriend and I had no one to call; nor did I receive a call.

Then there is the fear of coming home. Knowing I want the world to stay the same, but so much will have changed. The fear of being left behind. I pray this time is different, I am at peace with these things and acknowledging them gives me the courage and strength to move pass these fears.