Today is bitter sweet. While I celebrate 9 years of serving in the U.S. Army, it also would have been my parents 31st wedding anniversary. This is the only photo I have with my mother in uniform. I thought it would be the first of many, but sadly it won’t be. My mother passed in January and I can’t help but think about all of our lost moments.

Often times we take moments with people for granted. We assume that they will be with us forever; sharing in every major event of our lives. I just knew that my mother and I would share moments like this for years to come. Sadly we won’t. I have to come to grips with the fact that she won’t be here to see me get promoted, married, have children, return home from deployment, graduate with another degree, and share every other major life event I’m going to experience.

Cherish every moment you have with the special people in your life. We know that one day the special people in our lives will pass, but we don’t get to choose that date. We would like for the date to be when those people are old and have lived fulfilled lives, that may not always be the case. Don’t take any moment for granted. Don’t be so focused on taking a great picture that you forget to be present in the moment. Once those moments are gone you can’t get them back, and one day that will be all you have to remember those people. Appreciate every moment you have with the special people in your life.

I talked to God because I wanted some clarity. I asked him why. I wanted to know why it felt like I was at sea caught in a storm. Just when I thought the waters were calm, they started raging again. Why are my waters never calm? I also felt like he was threatening to take away things I held dear. I worked so hard to obtain those things and didn’t want to let them go. I loved and appreciated those things, so why was he doing this to me.

I talked to God because I wanted to know why was I put in so many challenging situations? Challenge after challenge kept arising! I went from no money and no job; got a job and it could be taken away. My mother’s health was manageable, then took a drastic turn. It seemed like every time I overcame one challenge a new challenge presented itself. I wanted to know why he was torturing me. I also didn’t want a typical church answer like “God gives his toughest battles to his strongest warriors,” or “Don’t worry God is always in control”

There was silence, Then I heard a voice say “Is a storm always so bad?” You saw this storm as something bad that was causing you pain. I wanted you to see it as a cleansing in your life. Did I put you through a storm, or was that a result of your own decisions? I told you to slow down, that you were moving too fast. You chose not to and crashed. I told you, your mother was dying and you asked me for peace and strength to be able to handle it. I gave you exactly what you asked me for. You claim I was threatening to take everything you loved. I gave you that job and money so that you could improve yourself, and bring honor to my name. You attached your value to them, and now if you lose them you think you don’t have any value. That’s on you, not me.

The conversation very enlightening. One of the biggest things I learned was focus. I have chosen to shift my focus. I have chosen to focus on where I want my life to go, not where it is now. I focus on the lessons I can learn from these challenges. Changing my focus has shown me that this storm has cleansed my life, not made it more difficult. The point is focus determines your attitude. Change your focus you will change your perspective. Change your perspective you will change your attitude. Change your attitude you will change your life.

Thank You for everything Mommy! Thank You for seeing in me what I couldn’t see in myself; For telling me I was destined for greatness even though I was too afraid to believe it. I wasn’t afraid when you dropped me off at Bowie because you prepared me to face the world my entire life. You believed in me when I didn’t believe in myself. It was you that gave me the courage to join the Army. I wasn’t afraid because I felt like you prepared me to be a leader my entire life. You told me to follow Alpha if it was truly in my heart and you would support me. Thank You Mommy

I’m sorry Mommy! I’m sorry I let you down at times. I’m sorry I didn’t listen when you told me alcohol was a demon that would take everything I worked for. I’m sorry I didn’t treat her better when you told me to make her my wife. You told me she was perfect, but I was so afraid I didn’t deserve her that I panicked and fucked it up. Please forgive me, I couldn’t call you everyday when you were sick because I wasn’t strong enough to handle it. I’m so sorry I couldn’t introduce you to your grandchildren while you could still hold them.

Thank You Mommy. I know I wasn’t a perfect child, but I always tried to make you proud. I worked to do right by people like you taught me. You inspired me so I worked everyday to inspire others. I could never say Thank You enough for everything you did for me. I’m just sorry I couldn’t do more for you.

One day I woke up checked my account and saw this. I thought I had at least $100.00, my last $100.00. That money was supposed to last me a month. I forgot that I had an automatic subscription for this very site, and today was the day the payment was due. So distraught, I went back to sleep and pleaded with God not to wake me back up. I had nothing both literally and figuratively. I had no money, not sure how I would get any, could barely afford to eat, behind on my car note and car insurance, and saw no real value in being alive anymore.

I woke back up, and knew I had a choice to make. I was either going to collapse under the weight of all this, or rise and start to pushing forward towards better. This was a defining moment in my life. Webster’s describes the word “defining” as decisive; critically important. This was that time for me. A critically important moment in my life to decide what direction I was going in. I decided that I was not going to be defined by struggle or hardship, that I was going to learn from it and push forward.

I believe sometimes we let our struggles define us. Webster’s second description of “defining” is to state or set forth the meaning. I believe sometimes we let our struggles set the meaning of who we are. So proud that we over came hardship, we wear it like a badge of honor. Proudly screaming “I got it out the mud,” or “I came from nothing.” You should be proud that you overcame hardship, but wearing it like a badge of honor can cause you to be defined by it . Once you become defined by something that’s what you become known for. Think about it, R Kelly is arguably the King of R&B, now he’ll only be known as a man who preys on young women.

I don’t want to only be known as a guy who overcame depression and suicide. I will be known as a man who overcame depression and suicide; then inspired people to become better. Be proud that you overcame your struggles, now use that knowledge to help the next person overcome their struggles. We all decide what defines us; let it be both your struggles and successes. Together they equally make you who you are. Now you decide, whats defining you?