Last year, I did not receive a single Christmas gift. I didn’t get a gift from any family, friends, not even from a secret Santa or gift exchange. I also didn’t have a dime to my name to buy myself a gift. I remember feeling so empty and unloved. Telling myself, I didn’t receive a gift because I was unwanted. The day came and went. I smiled to hide the pain of feeling unloved, unwanted, and unworthy.

This year is likely to be a little different. I participated in a gift exchange, but gave my gift to someone who didn’t bring a gift. That way they could exchange gifts with someone and receive a gift. This made me happy. Though I didn’t receive a gift, it gave me great joy to give my gift up so that someone could receive a gift. I’m also blessed to be in a better position financially.

I brought myself the rereleased Jordan 11 Concords as a gift. This Christmas is a little different from last year, but it’s not about the gifts. Though I received one more gift this year than I did last year, I learned a very valuable lesson.

I learned that it’s about love. If I would have focused on the love I received last year than, not receiving a gift would have been trivial. My brother loved me enough to invite me over for Christmas brunch with his family, and I had a great time. My line brother opened his home to me and allowed me to eat Christmas dinner with his family. There was so much love and appreciation in that meal.

It’s always nice to receive a gift on Christmas. It helps us know that we are loved and cared about, but please don’t be like me. Don’t focus on how many gifts you didn’t get, or if the gift isn’t grand or not what you really wanted. Focus on the love those gifts represent. The genuine place they came from. If you’re not in a position to give a gift; give love and appreciation and you will brighten someone’s day. Shifting your focus to love will brighten your entire mood and make you feel better about your situation. Happy Holidays and I love you.

Found out a couple of days ago that a soldier I deployed with to Afghanistan took his own life. I am praying for all of his friends and family.  I’m also praying for my DCOM-SPO family.  This is both disheartening and sad. As a veteran of a combat zone I definitely understand how difficult it is to integrate back into normal society.  Things that used to come so easy seem so difficult now, like driving down the road.  The switch doesn’t just turn off now that your home. You’re used to driving down the road being on high alert looking out for anything suspicious.  That type of thing doesn’t just turn off the minute you return home.  It is a daily struggle acclimating yourself back into normal society, and a lot of times you just want someone who understands how you feel. 

Things that people normally take for granted you cherish. Like clean air and clean water. The ability to drink water straight from the tap, or take a deep breath not having to worry about if it will give you breathing problems later on in life.  It’s a struggle that most people are empathetic to, but don’t understand.  They don’t understand that the smallest things tick you off. For example, going away knowing that you left your room a certain way.  Then you come home and find out that someone rearranged your entire room.  That can be infuriating.  Coming home to your room is a part of your familiarity and normalcy. If that normalcy is disrupted it frustrates you. Finding a pair of pants can be one of the angriest experiences you have. For an entire year, sometimes longer, your life has been on pause while everyone else’s has kept on going.  Coming home to friends and family can be tough. You expect them to be the same, but you’ve changed so much.  You’ve missed out on key moments that they have shared together. Laughter, crying, pain, love, you are a stranger to moments that you used to be a part of all the time; Do you know how much it can hurt to be on the outside of an inside joke amongst your friends, or coming home and wanting to hear about a funny story and they say ” you had to be there to understand what we’re talking about.”  The toughest thing is watching events unfold from home and your love ones have to suffer but you can’t be there to comfort them, or knowing that if you were home the outcome of a situation would have been completely different. The daily struggles can be very daunting at times.

Don’t get me wrong the feeling of being deployed can be a very rewarding feeling. Knowing that you’re serving your country, and making a sacrifice that most people won’t get to experience is very rewarding.  It is an experience that has made me a better man, soldier, and leader. I appreciate all of the love and support. The jobs, benefits, letters, messages, and everything else that people do to support is greatly appreciated. The point of this is that even though all those things are nice, what I really need is your love, patience and understanding.  To work with me and know that I’m trying the best I can to readjust myself back into society and I don’t want to be a burden. 

To all my fellow combat veterans who understand how I feel please know that you are not alone.  Someone understands you and is here to help.  Just like down range you’re not in the fight alone, you always have a battle buddy.  There is countless number of resources that can be a huge help.  No situation is too big.  As long as you are willing to fight there will be someone willing to help you

Found out a couple of days ago that a soldier I deployed with to Afghanistan took his own life. I am praying for all of his friends and family.  I’m also praying for my DCOM-SPO family.  This is both disheartening and sad. As a veteran of a combat zone I definitely understand how difficult it is to integrate back into normal society.  Things that used to come so easy seem so difficult now, like driving down the road.  The switch doesn’t just turn off now that your home. You’re used to driving down the road being on high alert looking out for anything suspicious.  That type of thing doesn’t just turn off the minute you return home.  It is a daily struggle acclimating yourself back into normal society, and a lot of times you just want someone who understands how you feel. 

These past couple of weeks have been challenging to say the least. I have been challenged in all aspects of my life.  My professional life with trying to get a grasp on some projects at work. My personal life with trying to overcome drinking and relationships. As well as other aspects like my creative side.  Having so many ideas and thoughts running through my head and not knowing how to get them all out.  It all came to a head last Friday night. Last Friday night I considered killing myself.

I don’t mean that “Ugh I’m having a really bad day, I want to kill myself;” I mean that ” I’ve had enough of this, I’m just going to kill myself and be free.”  It all started at work. I wasn’t having the best day. I wanted to finish up a project so that I wouldn’t have to work the entire day on Saturday.  I wasn’t paying attention like I should have been, and made a stupid simple mistake, that has set me back days.  Now I’m super pissed and frustrated.  At this point I’m feeling like my whole day is ruined.  I really want to go get a drink at 9 am, but I know I shouldn’t.  I thought about getting that drink, and just sitting in my car getting drunk, and then making it through the rest of my day.

I decided not to drink, I’m serious about saying goodbye to alcohol.  Drinking would have numbed the pain, it wouldn’t have healed me. Besides that could have made things worse. I get off work and go home for the day.  I’m still angry and frustrated. I want to go out, but I don’t want to go to the bar or a club. I have been struggling with not having an inner circle since I’ve been in California.  I feel like I don’t have many friends to call, and it has been hard rebuilding my social circle. I feel so isolated at times.  Wanting to go somewhere but not knowing where to go, along with feeling so isolated with no one to turn to sent me over the edge.

Alone with my thoughts, it began to feel like everything had begun to crash down.  I was trapped in my mind with nothing, but my frustration, anger, and thoughts. I began to hear a familiar voice telling me what a piece of shit I was.  It was my fault I had no one to call, and its probably better that way.  I didn’t deserve to be happy and I would never have anyone.  The voice also told me to just free myself.  End your life, and free yourself from the uselessness that is your life.

Then I thought to myself, would this be freedom? I thought about all the things I had to live for.  Then I thought about all the people in my life and how they would be affected.  Would it be fair to put this pain on them.  I’m sure they have some things going on, would it be fair  to add this to that list of concerns? Then I was reminded of the fun and challenge of life itself.  Part of the fun of life itself is beating these challenges and living to fight another day.  I’m still challenged by some things, and my days are still tough, but I’m determined to live it out.

If you have a similiar experience, I implore you to reach out for help. Often times we face this alone when we don’t have too.  We suffer alone, but we heal together. Reach out for help!  If you have my number please call me!  If you don’t want to call me, call a trusted friend or confidont. If you don’t feel comfortable speaking to a friend and want to talk to somoneone who doesn’t know you; You can call the National Sucide Prevention Hotline-1-800-273- TALK (8255),  Sucide Prevention Hotline 1-800-827-7571, or visit the Suicide Prevention Resource Center at www.sprc.org.

 

 

I wrote a good bye letter to alcohol a couple of weeks ago. Writing the letter was tough, but it was therapeutic. It was difficult to say goodbye to something that had been a part of my life for long period of time. Alcohol had been a part of every major event in my life. My ups, my downs, my celebrations, my grieving, my emptiness, and everything else I had done. I didn’t want to say goodbye, but I knew it was something that I had to do. Alcohol was beginning to have a power over me that no substance should have over anyone. I can’t say I’ll never drink again because I can’t look that far into the future. I have to take it one day at a time, but for right now I’m saying goodbye.

After I reflected on the letter it got me to thinking; What do people need to say good bye to, but they won’t or can’t. Do you need to say good bye to a toxic relationship or friendship? Do you need to say good bye to your unhappy work situation? Do you need to say good bye to alcohol as well? Maybe you need to say good bye to something less drastic like bad eating habits or bad spending habits. What ever you need to say good bye to, say good bye.

It may be difficult at first, and will take some getting used to. This thing you are holding on too could be the very thing holding you back. Saying good bye could be the fresh start you need. I didn’t want to say good bye to alcohol, but I had to. When I sat back and thought about it alcohol was poisoning my thoughts, I had to say good bye to save myself.

It hurt at first and it still does. I find myself lost not knowing what to do in situations where I would normally drink. Still I said good bye and I’m beginning to heal. I’m not sure what you need to say good bye to, but I implore you to do some self reflecting.