These past couple of weeks have been challenging to say the least. I have been challenged in all aspects of my life.  My professional life with trying to get a grasp on some projects at work. My personal life with trying to overcome drinking and relationships. As well as other aspects like my creative side.  Having so many ideas and thoughts running through my head and not knowing how to get them all out.  It all came to a head last Friday night. Last Friday night I considered killing myself.

I don’t mean that “Ugh I’m having a really bad day, I want to kill myself;” I mean that ” I’ve had enough of this, I’m just going to kill myself and be free.”  It all started at work. I wasn’t having the best day. I wanted to finish up a project so that I wouldn’t have to work the entire day on Saturday.  I wasn’t paying attention like I should have been, and made a stupid simple mistake, that has set me back days.  Now I’m super pissed and frustrated.  At this point I’m feeling like my whole day is ruined.  I really want to go get a drink at 9 am, but I know I shouldn’t.  I thought about getting that drink, and just sitting in my car getting drunk, and then making it through the rest of my day.

I decided not to drink, I’m serious about saying goodbye to alcohol.  Drinking would have numbed the pain, it wouldn’t have healed me. Besides that could have made things worse. I get off work and go home for the day.  I’m still angry and frustrated. I want to go out, but I don’t want to go to the bar or a club. I have been struggling with not having an inner circle since I’ve been in California.  I feel like I don’t have many friends to call, and it has been hard rebuilding my social circle. I feel so isolated at times.  Wanting to go somewhere but not knowing where to go, along with feeling so isolated with no one to turn to sent me over the edge.

Alone with my thoughts, it began to feel like everything had begun to crash down.  I was trapped in my mind with nothing, but my frustration, anger, and thoughts. I began to hear a familiar voice telling me what a piece of shit I was.  It was my fault I had no one to call, and its probably better that way.  I didn’t deserve to be happy and I would never have anyone.  The voice also told me to just free myself.  End your life, and free yourself from the uselessness that is your life.

Then I thought to myself, would this be freedom? I thought about all the things I had to live for.  Then I thought about all the people in my life and how they would be affected.  Would it be fair to put this pain on them.  I’m sure they have some things going on, would it be fair  to add this to that list of concerns? Then I was reminded of the fun and challenge of life itself.  Part of the fun of life itself is beating these challenges and living to fight another day.  I’m still challenged by some things, and my days are still tough, but I’m determined to live it out.

If you have a similiar experience, I implore you to reach out for help. Often times we face this alone when we don’t have too.  We suffer alone, but we heal together. Reach out for help!  If you have my number please call me!  If you don’t want to call me, call a trusted friend or confidont. If you don’t feel comfortable speaking to a friend and want to talk to somoneone who doesn’t know you; You can call the National Sucide Prevention Hotline-1-800-273- TALK (8255),  Sucide Prevention Hotline 1-800-827-7571, or visit the Suicide Prevention Resource Center at www.sprc.org.

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